Did you ever have a time in your life where you felt that nothing was happening, you were disheartened and miserable, felt life was passing you by,  and decided, ‘Well, this is it I guess. I just have to suck it up!’?

And then just when it was all really sh1te, and you’d more or less given up hope, tried to resign yourself to the small things and the security, it all explodes. And you don’t know where you are going or what you are doing, because for so long its just been holding tight and sitting it out, and hanging in there, and now, suddenly it is all happening. And you’ve almost forgotten how to do, rather than just bear it.

And that is where I am just now. Shocked that something I hoped but did not expect would happen. Teetering on the edge. Looking over the edge of the cliff before I jump into the unknown. Fear that it might not be true. Butterflies that it is true and it won’t work out. Hope that this is it.

And it is so effing inopportune it is not believable.  What if I screw up? Or it does not work out? Do I jump or do I turn away from the cliff edge and walk away to where it is safe and secure? And forget about all that hopey, changey stuff?

Why does it have to happen now? But maybe this is a good time and I am just putting barriers in the way? What if I just jump off the cliff and just see what happens?

Oh eff it Rummy! You really did know what you were talking about with your unknown unknowns didn’t you?